I just threw up on my dentist
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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