My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize