Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize