I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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