Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
