I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
