you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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