i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
