i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
