My Higher Power is John Stamos
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
