You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
