I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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