The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
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