when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
