your parents love me but you hate me
I faked an abortion last night.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
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