I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
