Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Randomize
