About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize