my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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