I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just pee around me
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
