I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
