Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
