There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
