If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
