to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
birth control should be required to get into college
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
