I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
