Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
This is classic penis vs brain.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
