My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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