so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
