My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
