My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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