I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
