There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
