he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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