you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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