my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just cropdusted the office
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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