i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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