I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
