I think im going to throw up on grandma
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
