Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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