I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
