watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
i now understand why vodka
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
