nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
