from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
