walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize