My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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