ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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