I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
