A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
