just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
