took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
