I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
