remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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