So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
