smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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