It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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