I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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