found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
