my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
