What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
