im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
