my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
