come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
