Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
