Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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