So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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